est. feb. 6 2017
When the first picture in this collage was taken I was around 18 years old weighting around 218 pounds. At that time I truly felt I was dying inside little by little. I was completely in denial of my weight and deep sadness. I couldn’t carry on denying the reality of my body and all the emotional bagged I was holding on. Around that same time I decided to make a choice and do something about it. I committed to follow through an online diet program I had actually invested on and put myself through the test. I didn’t know if it was going to work or not yet I knew that my time was coming, I felt that it was a Life or Death situation and a decision needed to be made. I could actually feel my soul leaving my body little by little, becoming numb to myself and letting others take control of me. This was a pivotal point in my life.
My commitment paid off. I lost my first 10 pounds in a week! After that my body image became my new "obsession". There was always something more to do. A new weight goal to reach or some new workout to try. I focused in fitness and “healthy” eating full time. I decided to get my personal training license and maybe even be a Nutritional Coach . Even though this sounds really exciting for some It was completely exhausting for me. Internally I wasn’t happy, on the contrary, it felt like I was in a constant race I couldn’t win.
It took me around 4 years to the 3rd picture. I would spend days in the gym and I even became a “cross-fitter” (aka heavy weight lifting and intense "military-like" workouts). From one extreme to the other. Yet it wasn’t enough. I was 139 pounds and I would look at myself in the mirror and see the 218 pound girl. I was so hard on myself. I became my own worst enemy, pushing myself time after time, following the way of the “warrior” yet it was not kind, not loving. For even though my body was in amazing shape my inner child was still dead scare that this new body was a threat. I kept following into old patterns, behaving like I was not worthy of me. Even though I looked amazing my love partners were not loving, it was involved in toxic relations, always giving and committing 100% while the other side was not fully there. This is when the another huge shift happen into my awakening.
During the past 2 years I have learn so much about who I am and even though my physical body it is not in the best of "shapes" by others standards my soul feels good. I feel like I have within me a million suns and this makes me shine and makes my body shine. I have learned that beauty is indeed skin deep, that I have chosen this body for a reason and that this body actually has also chosen me. That everything is possible in the physical realm as long as your remain IN LOVE. I learn that Healthy is not eating green or doing a Detox but instead listening to my own inner voice and following the guidance that the Body is saying. I learned that by hiding in my body I became the Master of my own lies and by definition a Master of my own Physical Reality. I was able to shift form in so many levels and to transcend the same form into Higher Consciousness. I have learned that my specific body shape is completely different to that of men and other women for a reason and that experiencing it is the key to self-discovery. I learned that the body holds itself through grace and that truly theirs nothing I need to do for it BUT to listen. It knows what it wants and doesn’t want, it has its own consciousness and it knows deeply the soul that embodies it.
I am still daily learning through it. I am daily becoming more and more aware of how amazing it can be to let my body empower itself through its own natural state. I have falling so deep in Love with it that I can only honor it in the shape and form that it is right here and now and allow it to shift and change as it wishes.
It has been such a journey, yet it has been so worth it. Through the physical experiences I had with the body I have been able to full detached from physical form and see it as for what it truly represent, a divine sculpture, a beautiful graceful work of art.
The truth is that my weight never defined me, I was always able to date guys in all shapes and forms and experience my Sex(uality) in different ways. That was also part of my process. If theirs anything that I have learn from this bodily experience is that nothing defines me but me and that love, infinite love is able to shift and moves mountains including the flesh. I have learn that there is a great purpose for experiencing extremes and that even though at the time I was probably in a very dark and empty place in my life I couldn’t had been more full of love and light. I understood that it was all my choice, I had chosen to live those realities and it still remains my choice. My body has never been a weapon for sex or to be exploited but instead is a beautiful place in which my soul rest.
My intention NOW is to create a Divine Love Partner(ship) with my Physical and create a Divine Love partner(ship) with it. This process is helping me to stay accountable for myself from a place of LOVE instead of Self-Hate. It is only difficult when I think is difficult and it is only impossible when I think is impossible.
My experiences during this lifetime are the key to my own personal unfoldement and they are the secret to my knowledge and wisdom. They are nothing to be ashmed of, theirs power in each and everyone of them and the body knows this.
I share my experience through my abuse and my weight “struggle” because I know I am not the only one that has gone through this. I know we ALL have a story with our physical body, that we want to accept it and recognized it is our own call.
The body innate expression of itself is FREEDOM. The body is free in all its form and so I AM. Naked is naked! Free is free. Yet in order to feel and be naked in your body you also have to be naked and free in your HEART. Self-empowerment of the body comes when love takes over of every inch of you and your body starts to manifest this love through the FLESH. This Freedom is priceless. Nothing can give you that Freedom but you. The free choice to feel and be free in your body, feeling and being consciousness of what it represts for you in your Heart. This is indeed beautiful and powerful for woman and men. We have all gone through different bodily experience on this realm and these experiences have define our existence. These experiences are powerful stories that bring Wisdom into others lives. Many of us have chosen very similar experiences so we can relate and Heal. Yet as we move from relating to each other through our experiences and we start to LOVE each other more for our experiences we then co-create a world in were the Physical Body is transcendental and what remains is the Soul that decides to step into the Body.
I now feel free to roam in my body, I now see the power of Nudity and Sex. I know recognize how amazingly transformational a story as mines can be to those that are trying to get out of their stories.
I have no desire for a perfect body or to obsess about my physicality for I know that my heart and my body have a beautiful loved and beloved connection. They are one in the flesh without attachments, without trying to change each other or lie to each other.
The saying goes , “it is what it is” and indeed sometimes things are black and white and sometimes things are a full rainbow and I this because thanks to my experiences I been able to go from one extreme to the other and still “survive” , still love deeper, still live faster and still shine regardless of . Yet as I always say is a personal choice to chose these road. I now what it is to be “stuck” in the dark, thinking I am alone, thinking I am not perfect, or sexy enough, yet that was my lie and in order for me to recognize that reality I created as a lie I had to go through it, embrace it and come out of it ALIVE in this lifetime. I realized that it couldn’t had been in any other way. And my body is what makes me unique as well as the soul that embodies it. I realize that if I wanted to be 120 pounds and eat only green and drink juices then I would probably do it yet my physical and my soul desire something else. It would be unfare to push myself to go again my own nature which is curvy and strong like a tree. It is the shape that the mother has giving me and I have chosen as well and is my honor to actually honor it instead of trying to fit it into another model. I have also notice the more free I am in my body the more hills I get! My curves are now glorious, before they use to make feel just unfitted by society standars. It came to the point I wanted to lose even my curves!
In order for me to remain in this physical plane I must embody my body it all its glory and preserve it until I decide to leave it.
When we trickle this down to a more basic idea such men & women on Earth are being guided by the heart to bring this awareness of union within that aspect of self.
The divine essence is the fire of god within. Si the spark of light in the aka the sacred fire. The divine essence is lighted up when the core circutis of the body are awaken. This cirucitus are the 5 core essential representations of God on Earth. The elements. This is when you akawen the inner god through the magic of beingess. The fire awakens skati the air akwanes thorught the breath awakenes life the water awakes feelings which gives life as well the ether awakens all. The earth (the mod) awakens brith and rebirth. The divines essene is the union of all within the all is the sacred spark of god within you it is many times rerpesencted as the fire within yet the divine spark is the exact piece of spark that came out of god head which gives you life through the divine mother. For life this is essential. Without this spark you are innaimated , this spark is the core essence of your being in which divinie lives.
Oh My! My weight "struggle". This has been a "thing" since forever. All my life I felt completely weird about my body figure. Due to the physical and sexual abuse I underwent by my father as a little girl by the age of 12 I started to suffer from anxiety after reuniting with my parents in Argentina. They left me in Cuba for around a year and half to migrate in the search of a "better life. Seeing my father in Argentina again triggered in me a new different level of anxiety and depression plus I was deeply affected by the cultural shift and the toxic environment of the City.
So once I moved to United States (2 years later) my body kept changing this time it was the normal process going from 12 to 15 years old and "discovering" sexual relations. My biggest dip into weight gain happened through the process of several toxic relationships and environments. In 1st picture I was around 18 years old, had graduated from High School, starting College, in a long-term relationship and wanting to remove myself from my parents house ASAP! During my teens my Father continued his abusive behavior and I would say his mental health was already deteriorated . My mom was always there but never there. She spent a lot of my teens trying to control me and make excuses for my fathers behaviors meanwhile I was falling into downward spiral into Obesity. Once I reached 218 pounds I drew the line.
On the second picture I was 21 years old. It took me 4 years to reach the " blond girl with a serious gym obsession"! At some point in between a toxic family life and manipulative relationships I realized I was dying little by little inside. Deep within me there was this voice screaming for help and attention. My inner child was just drowning inside of me and the sadness in my Heart and body was literally killing me. At that time I didn't know I had suffered from abuse. It was later on, around 26 years old, that I remembered. I decided to face my struggle and safe myself from myself. I think though it was never really an external image issue at that time as much as a Soul Thing. So I went ahead and I committed to follow through an online diet program. Paying for it made it valuable in my eyes and THAT also helped me move forward. This became a transitional point in my life, everything completely shifted after that. During the first week I lost 10 pounds! and from there on I kept regurlary losing the weight.
My body became my new obsession. Extremes anyone!? There was always something to do, some goal to reach, something new to try. I kept pushing myself, pushing my body. My life focus was fitness and "healthy" eating. By the age of 24 I had accomplished my first obstacle race, I had done extreme sport in Costa Rica and I was around 140 pounds yay! Yet I was still living at my parents, working full time in the same job for 5 years and going for my second degree as a Fashion Merchandiser. I was freaking exhausted! I wasn't happy, on the contrary, it all felt like a huge race I just HAD TO WIN. My anxiety never stopped, I got really god at channeling it towards my workouts but it really never stopped. As I lost the weight my sensitivity towards others increased and also my "Psychic" abilities. So, of course I got injured during a workout on my Crossfit Training. I spend 2 months in my bed with a huge pain in my upper shoulder blades and my lower back. I had become my own worst energy, following the"warrior" way yet it was not kind, not loving.
I was death scared. and the funny part is that during the whole time all I wanted was to get better and go back to training! Hello!!!!! so eventually the cure came through and patience made it all better. I always felt scared to go back into Crossfit so quit. By 25 exhaustion really sinked in and my sense of self started to trigger major questions within me. My sense of self-image kept shifting and changing time and time again until I felt I didn't know who I was.
So! Fast forwarding to age 28! During those 4 years in between I learned much about me. I woke up into my spiritual-self and started to use my gifts to help others the story is (is actually all here ). I kept my weight on and off and I spent more time taking care of my spirituality and my emotional health. So between the end of 2015 & 2016 I gained 40 pounds! Last year I moved for 3 moths to Argentina and I gained much of the weight back ("cute girl in the grass by a plant" picture). You could say I went to finish a cycle I had started at the age of 12. When I came back to Miami I was still dealing with parental issues, love issues, home issues yet my healing practice was my major focus and concentration and I then I got pregnant! Yep! that happened! and as part of what I call now the "Cosmic Joke" my body took the in the rest of the weight! I lost the baby 5 weeks in. It has taken me 4 months to move through the lost. So we come through the last 2 pictures! hahaha yay! I know is almost over! My last picture was right after the lost.
So, while all these shifts were happening in my life I was shocked with the changes in my body! I mean, how could I gain 40 pounds in a Year! Is all my fault! I said. This must be my fault! What am I doing wrong?! I went to the doctor, checked myself, shifted my eating habits, moved through many of my emotional drama from 2016. I mean, Why is this happening to me?! I fought it! oh man how I fought the physical changes! I knew it was not a "bad habit" situation, or even my anxiety which by now I have learn to deal with (been an Empath can do that to you), I knew I didn't know the answer to how I was feeling so I persistently asked for the highest truth to my guides and to my Heart.
Then a new great friend comes along during this month (February 2017) and explains to me that in my Astrological Chart the planet Jupiter had been transiting through my First House for the LAST YEAR which in return brings weight gain and that aspect continues for 11 months.He said and I quote..."Jupiter brings "Plentifulness" wherever it is!" ...OMG ! I mean...I felt I was all a Joke! a major joke Universe was playing on me! I had NO control over the whole thing!!!!! All that worry for nothing!!!! all I could do is go with the flow! and I fought my way through this karmic experience almost the whole way! but why!? I mean really... why?!!
It seemed that Jupiter also brings lots of "dealing with the public" situations and helps you deal with self-image issues. Like for example how do others see you and how much do you care about what others think of the way you look on the outside. Bottom line it was ALL about my struggles with the way I SAW others SAW ME! HAHAH. It was all a huge karmic mirage from the Universe! This is what I NOW call THE COSMIC JOKE!
This information has shifted my whole perception on body image, body weight, BODY EVERYTHING!
So far what I have share with you guys is my story. The story of my body, my image, my physical-self yet the biggest component the whole thing was missing was HONESTY!
I believed the story I was living and indeed it was very much real but It wasn't rNow, I chose to release my story! So I have completely stopped this craziness about "IMAGE", weight gain and weight lost! Presence IS! and that's it. If you LOVE YOURSELF YOU LOVE YOUR BODY.